Poem and Reflection by Brianna Moffitt

There always seems to be a conflict between my insides and outsides 

The dramatic juxtaposition of vibrating with anxious energy, 

and the smooth calm of the spring day outside. 

The thundering, angry storm, and my simple peace flowering within. 

My love, you know this already, amusing and confounding in the same breath,

Regardless, we persevere.

To survive in difficult times, people need a lifeline. The last two years have been no different. Some have turned to addiction, overindulgence, or bitterness, but more have turned to one another. I am no exception. I held onto those around me like a life preserver. 

I began seeing my partner in December 2019. Yes, you read that right. We had a mere three precious months before the “Unprecedented Times” began, three months that have been mostly forgotten in the crashing tsunami of uncertainty and health anxiety in the early 2020s. However, without these initial three months together, I shudder to think how I may have coped with the news of tragedy after tragedy. The dread of insecurity in my future alone threatened to pull me down, never mind the stresses involved with being isolated from my loved ones. Millions dead! Billions infected! Alphas and Deltas and Omicrons, oh my! 

That first December was a whirlwind of memories, full of those fleeting tender moments at the beginning of any relationship. Within one month, we had numerous dates, amusing first experiences, and the bond of witnessing each other’s drunken rambling for the first time. That December felt less like a month and more like a year, sweeping the following two into its shadow. That is not to say that January and February didn’t have their moments—they did. But there is something particularly salient about that first month of a newborn amour, the sweet nervousness of a new beau forever treasured. 

However, I find myself wondering if the course of our relationship has been significantly affected by the pandemic surrounding us. During a conversation that he and I had recently, we realized that, despite having quarantined together during the summer of 2020, we have never been to a movie together. This flipping of the order of operations that one would expect in typical, pre-COVID courting activities affects every aspect of our relationship. While in some ways this reordering of dating protocol emphasizes some of the triviality in societal expectations, it also reveals that many of those expectations are there for a reason. For example, the fight that deconstructed our viewpoints on one another, which very nearly broke us apart in the process, was spurred on by tensions built within our quarantine together. Our relationship had not been ready for such tensions yet, and our assumptions and misunderstandings regarding each other’s behaviors thrived in that elbow-to-elbow environment. We simply had not known each other well enough and lacked the opportunities to partake in the usual methods to do so, like going to a coffee house or an arcade. After the aforementioned fight, we “took a break” from each other for a month to think about the unhealthy coping mechanisms that we developed during the pandemic. Luckily, we were able to see things eye-to-eye and communicate our perspectives to one another. Still, I think that without the influence of COVID-19, resentment would not have risen so dramatically in the first place.

Surprisingly, there are positive traits regarding our relationship resulting from COVID-19. How is this possible? The answer lies in our respect and admiration for each other. After seeing each other in such dire straits, we were able to recognize so much strength within, in both ourselves and one another. They say that you do not truly know someone until you have seen them in crisis, and we had the premature opportunity to reveal our true selves. There was minimal façade between us. We were able to watch each other mature before our eyes within only twelve months. There is something undeniably special about that, and, despite it all, we persisted. 

Things are looking up again. We are making music together. I was able to meet his grandmother in December 2021. Although we still have not seen a movie together, we have had the privilege of growing together in ways many couples may have not. Despite the last two years being some of the hardest in my life, they also gave me my best friend, and I cannot ever forget that.