I have a dear friend, many years my wiser, who as a retired stripper now coaches women and leads women’s empowerment workshops. In her memoir, From Sex Appeal to Self Appeal: One Woman’s Journey to Reclaim Her Mind, Her Body, Her Self, she warns against the dangers of women’s competitive attitudes toward each other. Biologically, as primitive as it may sound, it makes sense that women behave this way. Man see pretty woman. Woman young means woman healthy and fertile. Woman need man to raise babies. Thus, women naturally compete with other women, especially if they are any “-er” than them. 

In my own life, competition with other women has made me lose many once beautiful friendships. It is hard to maintain relationships with people with whom you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable, and I am the queen of shutting people out before they can hurt me. It has also prevented me from attempting friendships with women to whom I have felt inferior. 

An article my coworker recently sent me stated that women who regularly hang out with other women, preferably in groups of four, live more fulfilling and happier lives overall. I was left feeling excited to get a group of girls together until the realization hit me—do I even have four good girlfriends? Why do most of my friends seem to be men, particularly gay men? 

I suppose that, biologically, it makes sense that I get along with gay men better. After all, we’re not competing for the same men. They can’t really be prettier than me, because instead they would be handsome. They can’t have bigger boobs or bear anyone’s babies. But is my subconscious mind really making my friendship decisions based on whether my new friend will try to steal my man or not?

In April, I visited the friend I just mentioned, and we found ourselves at a hippy shop in Philadelphia’s Reading Terminal Market. I bought us each a deck of Goddess cards, and we agreed to pull a card daily and share with each other our cards’ wisdom. We’ve kept up the correspondence over text for about a month now, and the shocking part to me has been realizing what a pivotal role death has for the divine feminine and any type of creation. The cards are a reminder to embrace the darkness within, as the darkness leads to new life and creation. What dark parts of myself do I need to accept, and which do I need to let die? 

These cards have also made me start to wonder if there is a reason beyond the biological and evolutionary for women competing with other women. Can it be that on a spiritual level, women often do not get along because their destructive and creative energies are not in alignment? If there are parts of my darkness that I have not accepted—or worse yet, have openly rejected—and a woman comes around that reflects those parts to me, could it be that I cannot tolerate being in her presence?

I can imagine a world where all women know their self-worth and embrace all parts of themselves with equal love. Yes, even the darkest parts. A world where women lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. A world where I can tolerate my own darkness being reflected to me by other women. Where the divine feminine of every woman is able to create in harmony with others’. What kind of world will we create when women finally stop competing with each other? I’m going to get my group of girls together, because I want to be a part of creating that world. My dark goddess is ready to come out to the world. What about yours?