As a group, this year’s cohort of the Boston Interfaith Leadership Initiative (BILI) talked a lot about having courageous conversations. Meeting in the basement of the chapel at Boston University to have conversations about religion between people from many religious traditions, BILI makes space for tough conversations to happen between young people. This is funny to me because my generation is known for social media—and how people can slander one another in comment sections and have really heated debates online. In terms of quality, young people in present day society easily have the worst reputation when it comes to having civil discourse. There is often a lack of courtesy in political debates, and people on either side of any charged issue often dismiss the opposing sides away as illogical and nonsensical.

But when we have these conversations from different perspectives in BILI, face to face, people are reflective, respectful, and caring. It says a lot about what an in-person conversation can do for a person; the internet allows a person to be detached, unfeeling, and forget the humanity of the person to whom they are talking.

On the other hand, though, another consequence of the digital age is that a person you have never met can swear by what you say, supporting you 100% when you didn’t even know they existed several minutes ago. With such support and opposition out there, the question remains: Can (and should) productive civil discourse happen between differing sides on the internet and not in person?

I think it’s hard. Even in-person, a lot of times people lose themselves in their arguments and lose decorum when they are caught up in speaking. However, usually when I am having a discussion with different sides in-person, it is with people I know rather than with people who are strangers. This helps because, even when it gets heated, I know that at the end of our conversation, I can make sure we all shake hands as a sign of respect. In an established relationship, there is acknowledgment of the other person’s worth no matter their opinion. Along with the mutual acknowledgement at the end of a tough conversation, there should be agreed upon rules throughout the discussion. Some things will not be said, some lines will not be crossed—in some cases like debate guidelines, but in your casual conversation, unspoken ones. These guidelines need to exist so that no one feels personally offended and so the discourse does not get out of hand.

Those are the two critical pieces I think are missing in many online discussions. When people do not have to face the person they are talking to and cannot have that post-discussion handshake, respect is easily forgotten. In addition, there is no filter or governing body to monitor what people are saying, so it can easily get out of hand. Online, you can easily ignore a person and their input. Consequently, instead of a discussion, it just becomes two monologues; there is no progress, no listening, no growth. And while you can listen and have a constructive conversation online—some people do!—it is so much easier not to make the effort. People say listen twice as much as you speak because you have two ears and one mouth, but online, you have ten fingers and two eyes. That is an unbalanced equation! Comment five times as much as you read, and you’ll find that doesn’t make real progress. Until people have to read other peoples’ responses and are forced to hear a different opinion and wrestle with it, online discourse will remain charged, partisan, aggressive, and largely unproductive. We’re left with two people talking independently about sides they believe into the air with no one listening.

In our digital age today, in-person discussions are that much more valuable, that much more important. That is the beauty of BILI: connecting with college students in the area; getting out of our silos, our bubbles that are our college campuses; and meeting new people and learning from them. It is a beautiful thing, and I believe it is possible on the internet with some simple changes. People all over the world are on the internet. If we could learn, listen to, and respect one another on the internet, we could discover perspectives and angles we never knew existed. I hope that someday the internet can get to the point where civil discourse can occur. Diversity of mind and thought lead to the best discussions, in my opinion, and people most different from you can change your barometer (even a little) and lead to a wider understanding of the world.