This weekend I finally made time to watch “For Colored Girls” and halfway through the movie I found myself upset and impassioned. I felt these emotions because I found myself, my story and the story of countless women I know within the confines of many of the poetic narratives portrayed through the myriad of characters. I realized in the mist of this movie that too many women know all too well the social ills of emotional, physical and sexual violence and so today I raise my voice in national discontent.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I am driven to bring awareness to this social pandemic. A “pandemic” is a dis-ease prevalent throughout an entire country, continent or the whole world. I declare that Domestic Violence is a pandemic that needs our collective and immediate attention. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), along with The National Institute of Justice (NIJ) assert that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical abuse annually by an intimate partner, making up 85% of domestic violence victims. The Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence (2006) found that nearly 3 out of 4, that is seventy-four percent, of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence states “most cases of domestic violence are never reported to police.” However, in 2007 alone, the Chicago Police Department received on average 565 domestic violence calls daily (Chicago Police Department Quarterly DV summary, March 2008). Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported to police were killed by an intimate partner. The CDC, reports that the annual cost of domestic violence exceeds 5.8 billion dollars, with direct medical and mental health services making up 4.1 billion of this total. Yes, indeed domestic violence is a social pandemic.
Between Friends, a non-profit organization has created an abuse checklist to assess if perhaps you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship. Does your (or their) partner:
_____ embarrass, make fun of or humiliate you publically or privately?
_____ put down your accomplishments or goals?
_____ make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
_____ use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
_____ tell you that you are nothing without them?
_____ treat you roughly; grab, push, pinch, shove, or hit you?
_____ call or show up checking to verify that you are where you said you would be?
_____ use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or physically attacking you?
_____ blame you for how they feel or act aggressively?
_____ make you feel there is ‘no way out’ of the relationship?
_____ prevent you from spending time with family and friends under threat?
_____ try to keep you from leaving or leave you somewhere after a fight to teach you a lesson?
_____ threaten to kidnap or hurt the children when angry with you?
_____ kicked, choked, punched or thrown objects at you?
_____ threatened or hurt you with a weapon?
_____ continually criticized, called you names or shouting at you?
If you checked multiple items in the above checklist then you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence and should seek help. One of the social stigmas of domestic violence is shaming and ostracism. Victims are often called “stupid” or blamed for the situation, however ONE IN FOUR women experiences abuse in her lifetime. That means when you are on your job, at your worship service, in class, on public transit, at the stop light, standing in the grocery checkout; if you look to your left, your right, in front of you, or behind you–one of those women has been or is being abused. SILENCE IS THE PROBLEM!
From the data, we see clearly that domestic violence is a pandemic. Though domestic violence is most often perpetrated against women (85% of the time); men too are victims, thus this is not a sole gendered problem, it is a social problem affecting every corner of humanity. However, knowing the data is not only what impassions my call for action in addressing domestic violence. Rather it is my testimony of overcoming a life of violence personally that gives me power, motivation and fortitude to raise my voice and extend my hand to others in need.
I was that women choked until passing out. I was that woman being slapped down to the ground. I was that woman being hit with open car doors as the car was thrown in reverse, knocking me down the street. I was that woman called stupid, ugly, and pathetic. I was that women being victimized with infidelities. I was that woman, yet STILL I RISE!
I rise with a voice calling forth women and men to believe that you deserve better. I rise calling society to account for turning a blind eye to the abuse of women, men and children. I rise declaring that freedom is a choice that must be taken not requested. I rise to be a shining example that no one can keep you a slave in your own household because the power to change your reality is in YOU!
As a young wife, I went to the church seeking refuge and I was told to forgive my then husband. I did this, however it came after many years and it came not as a way to keep silent and refrain from the religious stigma of divorce. Rather, forgiveness I found was for my liberation, it released the anger, hurt and betrayal that kept me in silent inner bondage. So, too I rally others to forgive, freedom awaits you. If you are in a relationship of domestic violence where the cycles of tension, violence and temporary honeymoon phases run in and out of your daily life, I reach for you knowing there is a better, a freer way, seek help, you are not alone. Forgiveness does not mean allowing the violence to continue. You too WILL rise!
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Choose to break the silence, choose to be the nonjudgmental alliance, choose to be the change in your community; domestic violence is occurring on your every side, it is a social pandemic affecting us all.
Thanks so much for reminding us of this shameful pandemic. That religion has too often aided and abetted this form of spiritual, psychological and physical violence is all the more tragic. I will definitely be sharing this post with others. Another point is that there is reason to believe from available evidence that the economic malaise is contributing to an increase in domestic violence. This is an aspect of the economic crisis that deserves more attention.
Thanks for your feedback Phillipe, I appreciate it kindly. This is a social issue dear to my heart. It is disheartening to know how religions nationally and globally very seldom CHOOSE to be actively involved in actually tending to the least of these in society. Instead we play “spirituality”, go to our weekly services, with people who only look like us, put on our best pious faces and then go about our individualistic lives as if our faith is not lived in relationship daily. There are generations of children growing up watching this going on in our homes, communities and we ask “why are children becoming more violent”, less respectful? Adults are paving the way and creating chaotic environments so that children do as they see. It is my hypothesis that bullying is a direct result of this social pandemic. 74% of Americans know someone personally abused and still we are uninvested in raising this to the level of national attention and priority, that sickens my soul. Certainly the seeds of destruction of any society are planted within itself. Indeed the numbers have to be worse now. As Americans our sense of self is wrapped up in our economic status, i.e. our psyche begins to crack when our money isn’t right and we’re taught that talking to a counselor is “weak” or makes us “crazy” but lashing out and being physical with each other is socially acceptable and excusable behind closed doors with those we say we “love.” Please do share, we can change the world one person at a time. The ocean is altered with a single drop. Blessings.
Thank you for a challenging and inspiring call to action on this vital issue!
Without wanting to shift the discussion, I couldn’t help noticing how similar many items on the abuse checklist you provide mirror the sorts of tactics I see religious communities using to encourage consensus and belonging. As a Humanist who, for work purposes, regularly visits different religious spaces, I frequently see what I consider to be attempts to “put down the accomplishments or goals” of human beings, the “use of intimidation or threats to gain compliance”, the cultivation of the feeling that “there is ‘no way out’ of the relationship [with God]”, and, very frequently, the expression of the idea that “you are nothing without Him”.
I’ve never thought of it this way before, but it seems from your checklist some religious communities encourage a view of relationship with the divine which would be considered abusive were it with a person…
James your insights are deeply appreciated. I am a micro-macro theorist so I thoroughly enjoy the connection. Indeed, religious communities are collectives of people mirroring the ill social system we all co-create, I am not at all surprised by your application. Sorrowful yes, surprised absolutely not. I know more non-believers than believers because of the significant hurt they or someone close to them endured within religious communities. Authentic healing needs to become a social priority. Take care.
Thank you, Tiffany, for sharing your story and your passion about this important issue. Sadly, I just heard a story from my mentor of a woman who was beaten and almost stabbed by her male partner and was considering allowing him to move back in to her house… with the encouragement of her mother, no less. We definitely need more dialogue about this issue.
I also share your sentiment about people going to be “spiritual” with people who think and look like them while folks who actually need the help that spiritual communities are *supposed* to provide often get left out in the cold. May we all strive to be better. Ase.
Funlayo I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. I am saddened by the continual stream of stories like the one you mention. Truly freedom and change is a choice and all too often people choose a life of slavery because it’s familiar. I do know of one spiritual community in Chicago that has stepped up to take a stand against Domestic Violence; West Point Baptist http://www.wpmbc.org. Unfortunately, it’s the only ONE I can name. I stand with you in hope that we all do strive to be better. medase pa!