Do you ever feel like you are on the right road, that you are making the right choice, and then, BAM! – you realize, you’re not? Yes, that just happened to me, again. I was hoping for a traveling fellowship that, if awarded, would have sent me to Nigeria, Jordan, Palestine, and Afghanistan. In my field of study, this would have enhanced my future work immensely. I would have learned from Muslim women in Afghanistan, Iraqi refugees in Jordan, non-violent direct action events in Palestine, and an Imam and a Pastor working to rectify communal violence in Nigeria. I received that awful rejection letter yesterday in the mail: “Dear Ms. Hernandez, We regret to inform you…”
When I graduated from Andover Newton in 2007, I couldn’t find a job. A Master’s in Theology in Christian-Muslim Understanding left me with people saying, “Wow, you have an amazing education, great experience, and needed knowledge—sorry, we can’t utilize you or your talents here.” I heard that for nine, very long, very unemployed months. Sometimes it felt as though the rocks were just falling from the sky; sometimes it felt like they were being thrown. Sometimes I just couldn’t get that hard hat on fast enough to stop the blows. Now, about ready to graduate with a Master of Sacred Theology in Religion and Conflict Transformation, I know my knowledge is needed and the past two years have gleaned quite a bit of extra experience, from speaking at Parliament of World Religions, to my work in India last Summer. This does not mean, however, that a job in my “field” is going to fall into my lap. How unfortunate.
We all know what it feels like to not have everything go our way. Yet, when we follow the call—God’s call—we hope that God will lead us where we are supposed to go and more, where we want to go. There is no guarantee that after all that education, time and money, not to mention all the blood, sweat, tears, and thousands of pages of theological garb, that a job or a fellowship will be waiting on the other end. Just because we follow what God calls us to do, does not mean that humans will be in agreement with what God wants us to do. Is this where free will comes into play? Predestination, perhaps? Who knows…!
There are many times where I asked myself, Why am I doing this to myself? I could have taken a different road! Why didn’t I get into “that” school? Why can’t I find a job if my knowledge is so needed right this very moment in history? Why didn’t I get that fellowship if it will help my work so greatly? Those answers are usually revealed in God’s time, not mine.
There are hazards to following God’s call. However, they are hazards that I am willing to dodge, wade through, run through, and even stand still in. Even though I once again dragged out my hard hat last night as I read that rejection letter, I do have faith that I am still on the right path in regard to my calling and where I think I am going with my life. That is what our callings are all about—faith unseen. Our calling is about following that which we cannot see, nor even sometimes understand. Yet, in the end, it all seems to feel right, even with all the uncertainty that is involved and with all the rejection achieved. As I keep trudging along—victories, set backs and disappointments—I am beginning to think I will never really put that hard hat away. I guess I need to be okay with that.
Karen, I hate to see disappointment, but honestly, throughout my life’s health and vocational “obstacles”, I’ve learned so very much from all of them. Every time in the past that I’ve felt lost, God gives me the strength to some how feel lead. My motto is “You can’t plan, but you can prepare”. Whether or not a person believes in predestination or wherever they place their locus of control, we have the ability to learn from experiences and how they emotionally move us forward. Even when an talented individual such as yourself has an obvious skill or mind to do a task, we may find that employed in other ways. And think of the most beautiful attributes people lend their religions—the unpredictable but fitting nature of what comes next.
Thanks, Karen, for this reflection, which certainly resonates with my own experience. One of my friends in college joined the Army Reserves to help pay for school, which meant that she went to Iraq for six months. When she came back, she was given the opportunity to speak about her experiences in church. Something she said on that occasion has stayed with me: “Sometimes I think that God looks down on me and thinks, ‘Oh how cute: she made a plan.'” She then powerfully evinced trust in the larger plan that happened not to coincide with what she thought she wanted to do with her life. So hang in there. And, yes, keep the hard hat handy.